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NOW IS THE WINTER OF OUR DISCOUNT TENTS
TENTS? NERVOUS? HEADACHE? These are just some of the experiences of those seeking refuge from CAPITAL-ISM. Autumn has seen a growing number of PROTESTS around the globe which have been marked by the inclusion of TENTS. However, we here at The Muse of the World have investigated CAPITAL-ISM and indeed, past, future and even present, TENTS!
We put in a freedom of information request from the MINISTER OF CAMPING who directed us to back copies of the Millets catalogue which prove, without doubt, that TENTS have become more MODERN in this age of CAPITAL-ISM.
Past tents clearly did not POP-UP anywhere and needed careful planning.
In fact, we have discovered that is only through a complicated system of POP-UP TENTS, that protesters can express their anger at CAPITAL-ISM. One protester said, “ I’ve grown up with CAPITAL-ISM but in this day and age of text messaging—IT’S SIMPLY NOT NECESSARY! My parents had to be content with protesting on grass but now we can move to urban areas and POP-UP our TENTS on pavements, tarmac and even public areas outside cathedrals if we so wish. TENTS are so CHEAP and SO EASY TO PUT UP, we can buy them in the sales and go ANYWHERE! The only problem is, CAPITAL-ISM seems to infiltrate everything we do and there seems to be NO REFUGE.. Are we destined to spend our life using ‘shift’ and ‘caps lock’ just TO MAKE OURSELVES HEARD?”
The Muse has some sympathy with those fighting CAPITAL-ISM but feel it is necessary in some instances. However, we would like to point out that there is an alternative! For those bold enough, use bold, or those with slight leanings, there is always italics!
We agree that as Winter approaches, there will be MORE DISCOUNT TENTS which of course, means MORE POP-UPS but perhaps we will start to see future TENTS correctly used back on GRASS and maybe see a move to PAST TENTS —with PEGS.
LOONY TIMES IS LEAKED
We here at the Muse of the World have managed to get a leaked copy of Loony Times, BEFORE it is launched on the Official Monster Raving Loony Party website. According to our source, Polly Titian has actually been doing some work and has produced a magazine which she feels could rival The Muse of the World! Obviously, dear reader, we thought you would like to compare all the publications from our media group so we have decided to make them all available as PDF files for you to compare the quality. Enjoy.
21st October: RAPTOR DAY
High level Raptor
The Muse of the World feels it is our duty to pass on this press release we received from Calyfornya which is telling of an event today. We apologise in advance if no one attends Raptor Day, we have only just found out that it is, in fact . . . today.
“How De How Campers. This is your leader, Harry Camping of ‘The Family Camping Site’, letting you know that today is Raptor Day! We are sorry that those who booked for Raptor Day on 21st May were disappointed, but as we explained at the time, we got our dates muddled. However, for those who did purchase tickets and for those who have since booked ahead, we promise a day you won’t forget. Incidentally, thank you all for your kind donations, we have reached the $70 million mark and my life style is much better now, thank you.
As you can see, we have been succesfully preying (thank you also to those who have given up their jobs to live the life of The Campsite) and feel that conditions are now perfect for Raptor. As you all know, camping conditions on the 21st October are necessary for those lucky ones to be taken up by Raptor and transported to the Higher Field for a better camping experience. See you there!*
*If for some reason, Raptor Day does not go ahead as planned, The Family Camping Site cannot offer refunds but will endeavour to sort out another date asap.”
Don't miss out this time!
GOLD DIGGERS UNCOVERED
Struck gold?
The Muse of the World can bring you this breaking news. The Chief of the Prism Service is under investigation regarding a fraudulent road closing application which he approved three weeks ago. We here at the Muse have had information passed to us which we suspected was the cover up for a much bigger job. It stank of a leak so we rang the helpline to be told that “Major gas works will be taking place over the next few weeks”. We suspected this was just a lot of hot air, but to be on the safe side, we sent our under-the-tarmac secret reporter to camp outside the Chief of the Prism Service, Mr. Lepra Corn’s house, in order to unearth what was really going on.
Rainbow drops from up above
A clandestine meeting was overheard between Mr Lepra Corn and one of his men;
“Have you found the gold yet?”
“No, Gov, but we’re still looking. Are you sure it’s at the end of this rainbow?”
“Absolutely. You know you’ll get your share when we find it.”
“We’ve got a lot of this stuff called ‘gas’. We think maybe you could make money from this instead. You need a Plan B”
“What nonsense! How can you make money from something you can’t see or touch? It’s gold I’m after and you won’t stop digging until I find it.”
It is clear that the Chief of the Prism Service has been using ‘gas roadworks’ as an undercover operation to find gold that could well have been hidden some time ago. We suspect that roads up and down the country will be affected as rainbows are appearing without warning.
Our rainbow expert Ultra Violet was available for comment. She said, “This is a classic example of how sun and rain can corrupt someone like the Chief of the Prism Service. It tends to be seven stage process starting with seeing red and ending in scenes of violet on the streets.”
The images of violet protest against these ‘roadworks’ in the summer are still only a storm cloud away from the minds of those prismers who are now locked up in prism for their actions and for those who have been affected by their actions.
Gloster and The Floodgate Scandal of 2009, which saw Dr Foster buried right up to his neck when he claimed to rhyme ‘puddle’ with ‘middle’ should have been warning enough to Mr Lepra Corn not to attempt to defraud the public with disruption and corruption.
However, The MofW can see through this nefarious’gas works’ disguise and look forward to continuing to uncover Mr Lepra Corn and his gang of gold diggers.(Can we do a calendar please? These guys will need some in tents, Correction & Clarification – Mistress K reporting from the depths of Inner Fluster)
(Did the Fairies give you this info? Ed)
LEAKED MEMOS: Polly Titian’s Secrets Revealed
A magnet for scandal?
The Muse of the World can bring you the latest scandal surrounding the already once disgraced, Polly Titian. The rumours suggesting that her friendship with her advisor, Foxy Loxy, who used her PMT logo on his business cards, was anything more than just ‘friendship’, can now be revealed through these leaked memos that our secret under-the-floor-boards secret reporter managed to smuggle out to us. Admittedly, the ‘memos’ suggest a ‘blurring of lines’ and ‘these mistakes should not be repeated’ but we think that on closer inspection, the evidence is quite clear. Polly Titian and Foxy Loxy have long been communicating for financial gain in the guise of fresh meat!
The memos have been cleverly hidden on the front of a fridge which is clearly a front for fresh chicken! Apparently, our secret reporter reported that he could smell roast chicken and when a morsel of ‘the meat’ fell on the floor, he declared, “It tastes like chicken!”
The memos shown are an ingenious way of hiding the truth. Polly Titian appears to be using the disguise of ‘single mum’ a role which she may have picked up from her sister Em Pea (see previous publications esp Guardian Angel/Angle/Anvil for further details) and hoping that this ‘family’ style will become one she can adopt before the local elections next May. But if she’s getting fresh meat from Foxy Loxy, how long can this last? (Three days maximum for chicken but if it’s pheasant, it’s fair game, let it hang for 2 weeks – Granny Smith) (Have we been infiltrated by Al Cida-A? -Ed)
Whilst we here at The Muse of the World, wish to support Polly Titian and The Loony Party, we wonder how well she will do with this particular image. We’ve heard that she is editing ‘Loony Times’ but if her contributions to us are anything to go by, we may be waiting some while. Good luck Polly Titian – think you’re going to need it if your image is going to go all the way.
NEW THREAT TO THE NATION: Al Cide-A is among us
Instruments of torture?
It is with deep regret that we have to inform you, dear Reader, that there is a threatening threat to our nation’s security. We have managed to infiltrate a growing group know as Al Cide-A who are claiming that ‘the season is upon you’. Today saw a collection of supporters celebrating ‘Apple Day’ with the leader, Granny Smith, claiming that those who ‘drink from my cup’ will be instantly turned and will start to follow in her ways.
Our secret undercover reporter unwittingly found himself in an ‘orchard’, the name used for the grooming and subsequent ‘radicalisation’ of the apples who gave up their lives for the cause of Al Cide-A. He witnessed, as our graphic photograph shows, willing apples being pressed into action and turned into ‘juice’ before a lengthy process – lasting up to a year – releases them into high percentage Al Cide-A.
The group are preying on the lager and wine drinking members of the public who may find themselves experimenting with Al Cide-A at innocent events such as community gatherings and fetes (see previous articles regarding the dangers associated with these types of affairs). We have uncovered a growing number of festivals that are celebrating Al Cide-A or as it is sometimes described as, Sider. Be warned.
We spoke to one person who had clearly be involved with Sider for a while. She said, ” Allllrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrriiiiiiiiiggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhtttttttttttttt ddddddddddddddddaaaaarrrrrrrrrrrrrlllllllllllliiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnngggggggggggg. LLLLLLLLLLLLuuuuuuuuuuuurrrvvvvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeeeeee yyyyyyyyyyyooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu. YYYYYYYYYYYYoooooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuu’rrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeee ggggggoooooooooooorrrrrrrgggggggggggeeeeeeeooooooooooouuuuuuuuuuussssssssssssss”.
Fortunately, our reporter had learnt the language of Sider (an intensive course taking in many ‘public house’ and ‘bars’ at great cost – not for the faint hearted), and knew that now was the time to leave before he found himself being pressed for information and untimately juiced. A lucky escape we feel.
We here at the Muse wish to let you know, dear reader, if you drink wine or lager, do not mix with Al Cide-A. It will mess up your head and before you know it, you’ll be taking up the Strongbow, declaring “Scrumpy Pumpy” on the world and turning Gaymers. There is a reason the snake asked Eve to take a bite of the apple in Eden -it’s the Fruit of the Devil! You have been warned. (Ed’s note – And if you know about Snakebite and Black – you’re doomed.)
GARDENING SECTION: Bean and gone?
Gotta lotta bottle?
Have you ever had a glut of beans and run out of ideas for what to do with them next? You’ve done all the usual recipes; bean jam, bean butter, bean bread and of course the old favourite, bean cake, but you’re down to those last few pods and you just can’t think what else to do with them. Never fear, the Muse of the World is here. As experts, we’ve bean there and gone through the same thing as you have, dear reader so we came up with this inventive and (dare we say it?) highly original use for beans. It is so versatile, that you can use runner beans, broad beans (our fav), has beans, jelly beans and mean beans. The simple solution to your bean glut is of course, ’10 Bean Bottles’.
As Autumn closes in, you need to prepare for next year so invite a friend (or 2 even!) over to your house and ask them to ‘bring a bottle’. This is where it gets a bit complicated and adult supervision may be called upon. Using a specialist tool called a corkscrew, open one of the bottles. You will find that modern day farming methods have rendered this tool almost obsolete in favour of ‘the screw cap’ but should a situation arise, always be prepared to have a corkscrew to hand – it is invaluable.
Drink the contents of the bottle in your own time. This can be done alone, possibly in a shed, but produces better results when with other people. Allow conversation to flow freely, occassionally topping up from the bottle and feed throughout the season. Stick a bean in the top of the empty bottle and before you know it, you will have 10 Bean Bottles.
Sit them in a sunny positition, preferably on a wall and then sing to them – you will be amazed at the results. Laboratory tests have shown that singing to a bottle with a bean poking out from the top can produce great mirth but also be aware of the side effects, the bottles may be reduced to from 10, to 9, to 8 and so on until, there will be NO bean bottles sitting on a wall. When this happens, our advice is to crack open another bottle and start all over again. It will be worth it. Enjoy those beans before they’re gone!
WARNING: You can turn green if trying to get from 10-0 on your own in one night (see pic). Never attempt more than 1 without supervision. Be-an sensible is the name of the game.
hair today and gone tomorrow - we've all bean there.
Modern technology
We here at the Muse pride ourselves on our own in-house phone hacking so we are very proud to be able to upload this post from the editor’s phone. The latest information is that the weather has taken a turn for the worse! It’s a scandal but we shall continue to keep you updated, dear reader.
BIG COCK REVEALED
Cock a doodle doo!
The Muse of the World has spent the last week waiting for an article from our last working staff member whilst everyone else has been on strike/awaiting court date/ gone underground over printing costs/phone hacking/criminal charges scandal. Thankfully, none other than our secret, under-the-covers reporter has succeeded in coming up with the goods. We originally sent him/her (we wont give away this one’s identity no matter how many writs we get sent and this writer shall now be refered to only as Writer X in the feminine) off on a wild Mother Goose chase but X went so deep, she managed to infiltrate the secret world of Mr Big Cock and uncover his hiding place.
Using her secret video/camera/phone/laptop/shopping bag/snotty tissue/lipstick/bunch of keys/hair clip/sunglasses/tampax/one sock/wet wipes/dried up pen/paper/baccy and rizlas, she succeeded in getting closer to this Master of Disguise than anyone has ever got in the last 10 years and we can now bring you the full details of his life since he was last exposed.
As you will remember dear Reader, Big Cock went underground following the death of his son, Chicken Licken and wife, Henny Penny during the ‘SKY is falling down’ collapse. Naturally, on the 10 year anniversary of their deaths, others such as Goosey Loosey, Turkey Lurkey and Ducky Lucky were commended in their fight against Foxy Loxy (who still claims innocence and famously says, “I was just trying to feed my family. Anyone who is ‘going to tell the king’, is fair game in my world”)
X asked him: We understand that these 10 years have been difficult for you but you seem to have been able to move on.
Big Cock replied: What people don’t realise is that when you’re a cockerel, and a big cock at that, there are alot of hens in my yard and Chicken Licken was, I’m afraid, just one of many I’ve fertilised over the years. I’ve been brought up not to get emotionally attached.
X went on to gently extract more out of this reclusive character: This world of the farmyard that you immerse yourself in seems to be fraught with danger. Foxy Loxy won’t give up and apparently he has lots of family members who are out to get you.
Big Cock crowed: As you can see, I’ve swaped my feathers for fur, had two ‘arms’ surgically implanted and spend most of my life flitting between being a doorstop and displaying myself openly on a market stall for discerning customers like yourself. Do you need something solid to keep your door open, love?
At this point, the interview was abruptly cut short but we think it shows that The Muse of the World can bring you the BIGGEST and BEST stories, but sometimes you have to wait.
